evening storm.

this is my attempt to start fresh. look at the world through new eyes, with new ideas and new attitudes.

the title of this blog is fitting in many ways. i created it during an evening storm, a thunderstorm that rolled in quickly as i sat outside reading. the sky went from a bright blue with bright white clouds, to a gray sky with clouds the color of spilled ink, soaking into everything it encounters. the wind picked up, the temperature dropped, and i packed up and came in. inside, the house is filled with stagnant, humid air, the strong gusts of wind barely passing through the single small window i can open in the living room. outside, the world is alive, the birds are still chirping and the bugs are buzzing, they can probably feel the storm coming, a reprieve from the hot sun. nature has a way of seeing the bright side to everything. i, on the other hand, do not. right now, anyway.

the name is also fitting because it describes me well. the morning and midday me is slow, sluggish, unmotivated, depressed. in the evening, i become a storm. i come alive. i accomplish anything and everything meaningful in the evening hours. i feel like electricity is pulsing through my veins. and there is nothing to do with that motivation, that energy, that feeling. and just like an evening storm, it's gone before you know it. and i'm back to sitting around, accomplishing nothing, wishing i was someone, anyone, else.

life is passing me by. i miss the beauty in life, the beauty in everything, because i spend all my time wishing for something to happen, something exciting to happen, something grand. nothing will happen as long as i am living like this - spending my free time inside, on the couch, sitting on the computer, lamenting my life as it is. how foolish.

i intend to use this to help motivate me to change things. if i have a reason to find the beauty in the everyday, i will be more likely to do it. this sounds terrible - as if i need a reason to enjoy life - but the fact is that i do. it's hard for me to start anything, and even harder for me to keep it going. i hope to change this. i hope to change a lot. i don't expect anyone to ever read this, but if someone does, i hope, if nothing else, i help someone else find the beauty, too.